That Call

Post lunch – I shouldn’t have eaten all that, now I am feeling tad sleepy. Staring at a meaningless Excel sheet does not help either. When the whole world has started dozing off, suddenly the Budgerigar tone set on my cell phone starts blaring and wakes me up. I mumble an apology to the irritated neighbors; cuss myself for not changing the outdoor profile and search for the phone in the pocket of my trousers where it has been faithfully reducing my sperm count so far. Unknown number. Should I answer it? Quite a predicament. By now, the persistent ringing has also woken up a few more sleepy e-workers. With great trepidation, I answer the phone.

Hello?
Helloooo?
Hello?
Hello…
Yes? – Someone needs to break the monotony, why not me?
Sir you are not in a meeting no?
Huh? What?
No sir, I mean you are not in a meeting no?
What? Who is this? And why are you calling me?
No sir, I just wanted to know sir…
What? How does that matter?

By now, I have a good idea of what the situation is and where the conversation is going…

Sir, what is your name sir?
I am kau…wait, you called, you should know…
No sir, if I can know your name no, then we can talk sir.
Well, what do you want? – I show some spine
No sir, I am calling from XYZ bank sir and we have this personal loan that we offer
(I interrupt)
I am sorry, but I am not interested in a personal loan.
But why sir?
How is that relevant? I am not interested in a personal loan right now. – I have forgotten all the courteousness and patience by now
But sir at least hear the offer no.
YAWN huh
Sir it is really good offer sir
Okay go on
Sir in this offer sir you will get personal loan of Rs. 50,000 sir and it will be at very low interest rate sir.
What is the interest rate? – I need her to pick up the bait.
Sir it is very low sir. Other banks are having much more sir. But since you are qualified in the offer sir, we have the interest rate of 12% only sir.
WHAT? 12 PERCENT? – People in 10km radius are wide awake now
Sir that is very low sir, other banks are having much more sir
12 per cent is too high. And as I told you, I am reaaaalllly not interested in a personal loan. Sorry.
But sir, it is very low interest rate sir.
I don’t think it is low.
Sir then how much you want sir?
I told you, I don’t want a personal loan
But sir, if you want a loan sir then what interest rate you want sir?
ZERO

Exasperation has started trickling in slowly. While I feel sorry for the telemarketer and her daily targets, I have also started appreciating her patience and broken-record technique.

No sir, zero is not possible no – Her tone too has also changed now. But I cannot figure out what is going on in her head.
Well, you asked…
Sir, if you take the loan sir, then you can use it for furniture or painting no sir.
I am not planning for any furniture or painting.
Then any marriage sir?
Huh? What?
No sir, if you are marrying in the family sir, then you can take the loan no.
Are you from Kentucky?
What sir?
Ma’am, I am really not interested in a personal loan.
But sir, if you want personal loan sir, then please call at 98XXXXXXXX sir.
Okay. Thanks.
Sir, are your any friends interested in personal loan sir? If you can give me their mobile number…
I don’t think so
Sir no one sir?
No.
Okay sir, but if you want personal loan you will call no sir?
Yes Thanks.
Okay sir, Thank you

Benefit of Mandatory Power Cuts

There is one…for the two and a half hour that I cannot watch TV, at least I read something! The book that has been gathering dust for some time was opened over the weekend and several pages consumed. Some day, I hope to write more about the book.

Arghhh!

The use of phrase between…to should be made a punishable crime and offenders sent to prison with access only to copies of Wren and Martin.

JL Gomes kokaNeetyla khabaro deta…

For a long time, radio played an important role in our household. My aji (grandmother) had outlived her own retina and was almost blind by then. An avid reader, she had taken that brunt of nature with a rather stoic demeanor. The age had also deprived her of sleep. She would wake up early with nothing better to do. Not able to see the old clock on her night stand, she would turn on the radio; only white noise and no birds chirping yet – turn the radio off and wait in darkness and silence. This episode would repeat in the wee hours of every morning, till the birds started chirping and till the All India Radio started playing the mandatory beep. This beep would wake my sister or me up sometimes. “ajoon veL ahey – 5-10 miniTa taree” (5-10 more minutes) we would tell her in sleepy voices glancing towards the clock. But rarely did she miss the opening tune of akaash waaNee (As Radio is known in India). Then the national anthem (compulsions of state run media), news in Hindi followed by news in Sanskrit and then in Marathi. Weather Report. Advice for Farmers. That was the alarm when my parents would wake up. My sister and I would doze off; listening to the radio in the background and hoping mom would allow us to sleep some more…. Many different and good quality programs on Medium Wave 535 – Bombay B would follow. Devotional Songs, swasthya seva (health advice), prabhate manee (program on news analysis), regional news, national news, programs for kids etc.

Living in far off suburbs of Mumbai can be painful. The commute is long and tiring. The merciless train schedule did not allow simple pleasure of waking up a few minutes late…. But we learned to manage it all. The radio running in the background was a constant reminder of what time it was. And so it was for countless families.

Ah, devotional songs – time for bath. News started already, stepping out of bath – too late, better hurry up now. The schedule was bound rigidly to the clock. The radio would tell time – whether you needed to come up with some excuse for being late to school or there still was some time to finish reading that newspaper column.

After running continuously for two hours, the news in Konkani would start, always with a deep baritone voice of one JL Gomes – Mumbai aNi Panaji, JL Gomes kokaNeetyla khabaro deta (JL Gomes reading the Konkani news for listeners from Mumbai and Panaji). With that declaration, the radio would be turned off. It would be bright outside by now and half of our town would be speeding towards south Mumbai. The frail silhouette of my aji would then set out on much traveled pathways inside our home and complete her chores.

The days of radio are long gone. Despite of many good programs, it seems the radio utterly failed to tackle the brutal invasion of TV channels and my aji was long gone before the radio in our home conked off and was forgotten.

Despite of the fact I see a lot of TV; I have retained some affinity for the radio. There was one winter when I lived without TV. And Radio helped! In the morning, it would be Morning Edition (of course!) and in the evening, it would be All Things Considered. And then the Market Place, Radio Mystery Theater and countless symphonies and concertos and chamber music. Weekends would be enjoyed with Weekend Morning Edition, Car Talk, Sunday Baroque, Saint Paul Sunday, From the Top, A Prairie Home Companion and Weekend All Things Considered.

Eventually TV invaded again with a resounding defeat of the radio. And I still miss telling time by radio!

Pinch them where it hurts the most

It was my first Memorial Day weekend – a holiday I was not aware of so far. Even though it was May end, the air was cool. I was only a month old in the US and was starting to feel homesick. My cousin thought this was a good opportunity for me to visit him. Since I was car less till then, the question was how…. A generous acquaintance was ready to drop me. Unaware of the car and driving culture, I was hesitating to accept the offer. After all, how could I travel with this guy? But my cousin convinced me – he is coming this way, anyway, why do you worry? Well, you live near Flint, he has to go to Dear Born – that is more than 20 miles – I remember being worried about the last leg of my journey. Incidentally, I was not worried about the first 300 miles! After some convincing and some coaxing and some down-right threatening (older cousins, anyone?) I was on my way.

The landscape did not change much as we started traveling north. But the “Bridge Freezes before Roadway” signs became more ubiquitous. Even when the road was empty, the speedometer would not cross the mark of 70 MPH. At last, I dared to ask – can we not go faster? The driver laughed. His laughter had American accent but his Marathi was as crisp as someone from Thane was! He went on to explain me why he would not exceed that speed. It wasn’t the speed that scared him. It was the fear of getting a ticket. He explained to an FOB like me how the insurance system worked. How your SSN tied back to the driving history and how the cost of insurance went up, as you became a high risk driver etc. One sentence made an impact on my mind – “They pinch you, where it hurts most.” I took that route several times afterwards and drove around a lot. But never forgot about the first lesson – you get pinched where it hurts most!

Why do I remember this? Well, as you may be aware, my old friend George W Bush (who I claim reads my Blog) was in India last week. His visit brought many CEOs, diplomats, new killer agreement, cooperation in agriculture and tongue-in-cheek blessings to outsourcing etc. It also brought out the Muslims and Leftists to protest, what they considered the grotesque presence of an Islam-hater-mass-murderer. And with that came desecration of public property – be it Mumbai, Delhi or Lucknow. What difference did it make to George W Bush if VT station was defiled or Lucknow burnt? And that’s where I want to pinch the protestors. Sue the hell out of them. Apply the Pottery Barn rule – you break it, you buy it. After all, if VT station or public property in Lucknow is broken, who pays for fixing it? If my taxes do, then what is my fault that some lunatic thought it was a good idea to bring a big stone to this protest meeting? In a world as complicated as ours, we cannot expect everyone to agree. There will be difference of opinion and people will want to protest what they disagree. But do not protest at my cost! If the Communist Party or some Islamic organization sponsored the protests, slap a huge fine on them for the damage caused by riots. After all, do we not hold the parties/unions responsible for the uniquely Indian phenomenon of bandh?

(For the record - I would have written this post even if BJP/Shiv Sena were responsible, any political party for that matter - I dislike them all equally.)