Planning and Apes

Apes Shown to Be Able to Plan Ahead

This reaffirms the view of many programmers that my manager is nothing more than a monkey!

Of immigrants and illegal immigrants

So, International Labor Day was also the Immigrant Monday in the US. Sometime back, the NPR dealt with the problem through the eyes of minority community comedians (Margaret Cho, Paul Rodriguez and Bernie Mac). Paul Rodriguez was up front in his views – you pick your own tomatoes, clean the dishes etc. and you won’t need cheap Mexican labor – he said. And largely the illegal immigrants work in low paying mundane jobs and live in conditions that are barely better than ghettos.

On the other side of this is another community of immigrants – especially in the US who have gone there as students or professionals working in high paying jobs. Majority of the students who go to the US for higher studies are of Asian origin (read India and China). Most of them get good jobs in premier companies and tend to stick around in the US permanently and also the skilled engineers and programmers how have taken the advantage of the H1B visas. It must be accepted that the US has a rather generous immigration policy. But off late, the red tape delays and backlash because of the jobs shifting to Asia and recession may have brought this policy under scanner. When so much is being done for the illegals, how does the Indian community fare? Here are a few points to ponder:

• At least more than 90% of the H1B holders and Green card converts are in the high tax paying bracket.
• They are generally law abiding people and crime rate among the first and second generation Indians is almost zero.
• They ensure their kids go to school, do not do drugs, get good education and also end up in the high tax bracket.
• They do not default on credit card or loan payments, buy houses and contribute to consumer spending, pay taxes on time, invest in stock market (some even short-sell!) contributing positively to the economy.
• They have now even started looking for cars other than Toyota and Honda and also spend on 51” flat screen TVs!
• Their entrepreneurial spirit has created employment for thousands – The M(P)otels and many Bay Area software firms confirm this. They have also contributed well in areas of Space and Science (NASA), Education (many professors) etc.

If the above are not characteristics of good citizens, then what are? While the illegal immigrants are busy boycotting work, will someone pause and note the legal immigrants and their contribution?

Disclaimer: This writer is not and was never a part of the rodent derby of acquiring GC.

Tired, but not out

All-work-and-no-play-Jacks are bringing the grinding rut to a halt. They are TIRED – but definitely not out. This Sunday Indian Express article chronicles a different path taken by the Thirtysomething Independent Radical Educated Drop-outs, who have chosen to opt out of the rodent derby and chase their passion or just chill.

They are plugged into the world and if there is a compelling reason to re-turn to the city, they will. All work and no play has had its day. Chakravarti is part of a growing tribe of urban professionals in their 30s and 40s who are beating the burn-out syndrome just as it seeps in, and exploring alternatives seen as deviant or maverick be-haviour, say a decade ago. They are leaping out of the rat race, grabbing mid-life crisis by its horns and turning it into the life they have always wanted to live. And this new avatar of the classic drop-out is becoming as common as the yup-pie of the early 80s. If you’re educated, liberal, urban, upper middle-class in your late 30s, chances are at least one of your acquaintances is contemplating an alternative.

Need I say more?

Got this as a forward - visit the site before it gets overwhelmed and closed down. And pray that the babus don't close it down as it is...

Government of India has a online Grievance forum at http://darpg-grievance.nic.in/

The government wants people to use this tool to highlight the problems they faced while dealing with Government officials or departments like Passport Office, Electricity board, BSNL/MTNL, Railways etc etc.

I know many people will say that these things don't work in India, but this actually works as one of our colleague in a company found. The guy I'm talking about lives in Faridabad. Couple of months back, the Faridabad Municipal Corporation laid new roads in his area and the residents were very happy about it. But 2 weeks later, BSNL dugged up the newly laid roads to install new cables which annoyed all the residents including this guy. But it was only this guy who used the above listed grievance forum to highlight his concern. And to his surprise, BSNL and Municipal Corporation of faridabad was served a show cause notice and the guy received a copy of the notice in one week. Government has asked the MC and BSNL about the goof up as its clear that both the government departments were not in sync at all.

So use this grievance forum and educate others who don't know about this facility. This way we can at least raise our concerns instead of just talking about the ' System' in India.

Subliminal Advertising

Sometimes, the advertisement is done so smartly, it takes some effort to figure out what it is. Everyone knows music is not the strong point of McDowell’s or Bacardi. But a good way to get away with regulations.

One such ad, not of a product that can come under scanner, in my opinion is made in a very round-about way. What is it about – I remember thinking – even after seeing it for several times. Is it about sun-glasses? Wrist watch? Mobile? Boots? Bike? Guy without stubble? Wait, must be the boots – after all, the jingle in the background does mention something about walking. But um perhaps not…. Is it about the guy with the stubble? His girlfriend? Road? Dam? Water? Bike? Hmm, the jingle now mentions something about the boots…must be the boots.

As it turns out, it is about a bike. Go figure!

What is DD up to?

At one time, the only channel available to the entertainment starved TV watchers was Doordharshan. Now, with a choice of more than 80 odd channels ranging from religion to breaking news, Doordarshan becomes a rare choice. But when cable goes off, there is little else to do…

I called the cable-guy, but got a treatment like a hapless host calling the heater fixing agency when the heater conks off on a chilly Thanksgiving Day. The only channel that somehow managed to show was one DD News. And what fun! Now I am no master of TRP, but I am not so sure if Saturday evening 8 PM is such a good time to show Kisan Vikas Program. Well, but they did!

And what happened then?

There was a well dressed farmer, with a tractor in the opening jingle…Sunil Dutt or Dilip Kumar fame mere desh ki dharti playing in the background. Then Rajiv Gandhi flashed in the background. Then Sonia talking to several farmers and then – hold on for this – Rahul Gandhi with a background of lush green farm. Rahul? RAHUL? No other farmer qualified eh? No Shastri? No Baramatikar? Not even Amitabh, the farmer from UP? Well, good for you farmer Rahul.

Looks like the he is being groomed for the next step…incidentally not based on his deeds, but based on sycophancy. And DD – the faithful servant – is taking good care of it.

That Call

Post lunch – I shouldn’t have eaten all that, now I am feeling tad sleepy. Staring at a meaningless Excel sheet does not help either. When the whole world has started dozing off, suddenly the Budgerigar tone set on my cell phone starts blaring and wakes me up. I mumble an apology to the irritated neighbors; cuss myself for not changing the outdoor profile and search for the phone in the pocket of my trousers where it has been faithfully reducing my sperm count so far. Unknown number. Should I answer it? Quite a predicament. By now, the persistent ringing has also woken up a few more sleepy e-workers. With great trepidation, I answer the phone.

Hello?
Helloooo?
Hello?
Hello…
Yes? – Someone needs to break the monotony, why not me?
Sir you are not in a meeting no?
Huh? What?
No sir, I mean you are not in a meeting no?
What? Who is this? And why are you calling me?
No sir, I just wanted to know sir…
What? How does that matter?

By now, I have a good idea of what the situation is and where the conversation is going…

Sir, what is your name sir?
I am kau…wait, you called, you should know…
No sir, if I can know your name no, then we can talk sir.
Well, what do you want? – I show some spine
No sir, I am calling from XYZ bank sir and we have this personal loan that we offer
(I interrupt)
I am sorry, but I am not interested in a personal loan.
But why sir?
How is that relevant? I am not interested in a personal loan right now. – I have forgotten all the courteousness and patience by now
But sir at least hear the offer no.
YAWN huh
Sir it is really good offer sir
Okay go on
Sir in this offer sir you will get personal loan of Rs. 50,000 sir and it will be at very low interest rate sir.
What is the interest rate? – I need her to pick up the bait.
Sir it is very low sir. Other banks are having much more sir. But since you are qualified in the offer sir, we have the interest rate of 12% only sir.
WHAT? 12 PERCENT? – People in 10km radius are wide awake now
Sir that is very low sir, other banks are having much more sir
12 per cent is too high. And as I told you, I am reaaaalllly not interested in a personal loan. Sorry.
But sir, it is very low interest rate sir.
I don’t think it is low.
Sir then how much you want sir?
I told you, I don’t want a personal loan
But sir, if you want a loan sir then what interest rate you want sir?
ZERO

Exasperation has started trickling in slowly. While I feel sorry for the telemarketer and her daily targets, I have also started appreciating her patience and broken-record technique.

No sir, zero is not possible no – Her tone too has also changed now. But I cannot figure out what is going on in her head.
Well, you asked…
Sir, if you take the loan sir, then you can use it for furniture or painting no sir.
I am not planning for any furniture or painting.
Then any marriage sir?
Huh? What?
No sir, if you are marrying in the family sir, then you can take the loan no.
Are you from Kentucky?
What sir?
Ma’am, I am really not interested in a personal loan.
But sir, if you want personal loan sir, then please call at 98XXXXXXXX sir.
Okay. Thanks.
Sir, are your any friends interested in personal loan sir? If you can give me their mobile number…
I don’t think so
Sir no one sir?
No.
Okay sir, but if you want personal loan you will call no sir?
Yes Thanks.
Okay sir, Thank you

Benefit of Mandatory Power Cuts

There is one…for the two and a half hour that I cannot watch TV, at least I read something! The book that has been gathering dust for some time was opened over the weekend and several pages consumed. Some day, I hope to write more about the book.

Arghhh!

The use of phrase between…to should be made a punishable crime and offenders sent to prison with access only to copies of Wren and Martin.

JL Gomes kokaNeetyla khabaro deta…

For a long time, radio played an important role in our household. My aji (grandmother) had outlived her own retina and was almost blind by then. An avid reader, she had taken that brunt of nature with a rather stoic demeanor. The age had also deprived her of sleep. She would wake up early with nothing better to do. Not able to see the old clock on her night stand, she would turn on the radio; only white noise and no birds chirping yet – turn the radio off and wait in darkness and silence. This episode would repeat in the wee hours of every morning, till the birds started chirping and till the All India Radio started playing the mandatory beep. This beep would wake my sister or me up sometimes. “ajoon veL ahey – 5-10 miniTa taree” (5-10 more minutes) we would tell her in sleepy voices glancing towards the clock. But rarely did she miss the opening tune of akaash waaNee (As Radio is known in India). Then the national anthem (compulsions of state run media), news in Hindi followed by news in Sanskrit and then in Marathi. Weather Report. Advice for Farmers. That was the alarm when my parents would wake up. My sister and I would doze off; listening to the radio in the background and hoping mom would allow us to sleep some more…. Many different and good quality programs on Medium Wave 535 – Bombay B would follow. Devotional Songs, swasthya seva (health advice), prabhate manee (program on news analysis), regional news, national news, programs for kids etc.

Living in far off suburbs of Mumbai can be painful. The commute is long and tiring. The merciless train schedule did not allow simple pleasure of waking up a few minutes late…. But we learned to manage it all. The radio running in the background was a constant reminder of what time it was. And so it was for countless families.

Ah, devotional songs – time for bath. News started already, stepping out of bath – too late, better hurry up now. The schedule was bound rigidly to the clock. The radio would tell time – whether you needed to come up with some excuse for being late to school or there still was some time to finish reading that newspaper column.

After running continuously for two hours, the news in Konkani would start, always with a deep baritone voice of one JL Gomes – Mumbai aNi Panaji, JL Gomes kokaNeetyla khabaro deta (JL Gomes reading the Konkani news for listeners from Mumbai and Panaji). With that declaration, the radio would be turned off. It would be bright outside by now and half of our town would be speeding towards south Mumbai. The frail silhouette of my aji would then set out on much traveled pathways inside our home and complete her chores.

The days of radio are long gone. Despite of many good programs, it seems the radio utterly failed to tackle the brutal invasion of TV channels and my aji was long gone before the radio in our home conked off and was forgotten.

Despite of the fact I see a lot of TV; I have retained some affinity for the radio. There was one winter when I lived without TV. And Radio helped! In the morning, it would be Morning Edition (of course!) and in the evening, it would be All Things Considered. And then the Market Place, Radio Mystery Theater and countless symphonies and concertos and chamber music. Weekends would be enjoyed with Weekend Morning Edition, Car Talk, Sunday Baroque, Saint Paul Sunday, From the Top, A Prairie Home Companion and Weekend All Things Considered.

Eventually TV invaded again with a resounding defeat of the radio. And I still miss telling time by radio!

Pinch them where it hurts the most

It was my first Memorial Day weekend – a holiday I was not aware of so far. Even though it was May end, the air was cool. I was only a month old in the US and was starting to feel homesick. My cousin thought this was a good opportunity for me to visit him. Since I was car less till then, the question was how…. A generous acquaintance was ready to drop me. Unaware of the car and driving culture, I was hesitating to accept the offer. After all, how could I travel with this guy? But my cousin convinced me – he is coming this way, anyway, why do you worry? Well, you live near Flint, he has to go to Dear Born – that is more than 20 miles – I remember being worried about the last leg of my journey. Incidentally, I was not worried about the first 300 miles! After some convincing and some coaxing and some down-right threatening (older cousins, anyone?) I was on my way.

The landscape did not change much as we started traveling north. But the “Bridge Freezes before Roadway” signs became more ubiquitous. Even when the road was empty, the speedometer would not cross the mark of 70 MPH. At last, I dared to ask – can we not go faster? The driver laughed. His laughter had American accent but his Marathi was as crisp as someone from Thane was! He went on to explain me why he would not exceed that speed. It wasn’t the speed that scared him. It was the fear of getting a ticket. He explained to an FOB like me how the insurance system worked. How your SSN tied back to the driving history and how the cost of insurance went up, as you became a high risk driver etc. One sentence made an impact on my mind – “They pinch you, where it hurts most.” I took that route several times afterwards and drove around a lot. But never forgot about the first lesson – you get pinched where it hurts most!

Why do I remember this? Well, as you may be aware, my old friend George W Bush (who I claim reads my Blog) was in India last week. His visit brought many CEOs, diplomats, new killer agreement, cooperation in agriculture and tongue-in-cheek blessings to outsourcing etc. It also brought out the Muslims and Leftists to protest, what they considered the grotesque presence of an Islam-hater-mass-murderer. And with that came desecration of public property – be it Mumbai, Delhi or Lucknow. What difference did it make to George W Bush if VT station was defiled or Lucknow burnt? And that’s where I want to pinch the protestors. Sue the hell out of them. Apply the Pottery Barn rule – you break it, you buy it. After all, if VT station or public property in Lucknow is broken, who pays for fixing it? If my taxes do, then what is my fault that some lunatic thought it was a good idea to bring a big stone to this protest meeting? In a world as complicated as ours, we cannot expect everyone to agree. There will be difference of opinion and people will want to protest what they disagree. But do not protest at my cost! If the Communist Party or some Islamic organization sponsored the protests, slap a huge fine on them for the damage caused by riots. After all, do we not hold the parties/unions responsible for the uniquely Indian phenomenon of bandh?

(For the record - I would have written this post even if BJP/Shiv Sena were responsible, any political party for that matter - I dislike them all equally.)

Example set by Kaldari

The Sunday supplement of the Marathi newspaper Sakal has started a new column – Navya VaaTaa – New Paths – that chronicles efforts taken by people to save energy. The snippets up till now used to contain items like how someone has modified a bike to run on electricity or a wind mill that powers the mechanism to water the farm. Yesterday’s snippet was worth taking a note though. The village of Kaldari (kaaL daree) located in the Purandhar taluka of the Pune district has taken a new step in becoming energy independent. The physical location of this village puts it in a deep valley that limits the natural light. The sunrise is late and sunset early. The MSEB supply is erratic and plagued with load shedding. The school kids had to complete their studies in lights powered by Kerosene and the village pretty much worked the schedule of the sun. But they decided to change the things. The local self government – Gram Panchayat – chipped in INR 8,000.00, the villagers chipped in INR 20,000.00, and a solar energy project took shape to power the school at night. More than 4.5 Lac have been spent up till now to power the local hospital, veterinary hospital, street lights and milk storage plant. Almost all the families now use biogas as energy required for cooking. Sun, Wind, Animal Waste – whatever natural resources could be used, have been used. Kaldari has set an example, it is hoped that more will follow.

P. S. If you can locate the link on Sakal website, let me know. The site somehow refuses to load...

Got Any More Bright !deas?

Cancellation of the Idea Celebrates Pune event was a refresher of news. For a change the notorious Patit Pawan Sanghatana was not fighting because “our” culture was in danger or because the length of a skirt was too short or an amorous message was printed on a greeting card! They were actually fighting because Idea Cellular, in cohorts with the pesky KISS FM style radio station Radio Mirchi was trying to do something that a normal person cannot even fathom! The reason was the Celebrate Pune event! Idea and Radio Mirchi have been trying to find a reason to woo customers, hence the reason for this event. Why complain though? After all, they have the right to attract customers, offer schemes, advertise at will and prosper in business. Every advertiser is trying to find an innovative way. Idea and Radio Mirchi thought it might be cool to hold events and because there was nothing much happening, the decided to create an event – Celebrate Pune! Call different DJs or singers, make people buy tickets, let them sing, dance, have some fun and make money out of it! They even composed a song about it where the water of Mula Mutha was called "Tirth". What’s wrong with this? Well – this is what is wrong with it…

The other day, while driving through already crowded morning traffic, we found one lane of the Sangam Bridge closed. For what? A makeshift stadium for the Celebrate Pune event! Arcades were erected on the JM Road, Bund Garden Road and Dhole Patil Road – blocking the traffic. We even talked about it – how could this be allowed – it is blocking the traffic. I guess normal people are boring because they worry about such things. Who ever thinks such things will block the traffic?

The event was to be concluded yesterday at a new venue – the Jayantrao Tilak Bridge. The bridge was closed to traffic from Friday. It is okay if our already choked and unruly traffic is further put to test because of this. Were proper permissions obtained? When the members of the Patit Pawan Sanghatana reached the venue demanding the proof of the permissions, the organizers could not produce any. Because there were none! Our question was answered – it was allowed because no one bothered to ask! The news item also had it that the speakers flouted the norms laid down by the Supreme Court to control noise pollution.

And this is from one of the large cellular providers and a radio station company that is soon going public! Do you people have no respect for the law of the land? How could you, Idea and Radio Mirchi – how could you do this to us?

Surprisingly, the overactive media did not bother to take note of this. Loksatta had detailed news on page 4 and Sakal, smaller news on Page 6 – places where people will not take pains to look. Indian Express did not find enough merit in publishing this. Very surprisingly, it appears the Pune Municipal Corporation and Pune University were also partners in the event. How could the PMC approve of holding an event on the bridge that is used by many for their daily commute? Allow it to remain closed for three days and not even bother to check if the necessary clearance has been obtained? Something is fishy here; this big a scam cannot be pulled unless it had a blessing from higher up.

Are we all so blinded by rampant consumerism that laws can be bypassed? If smaller companies can show this attitude towards the Corporate Social Responsibility, do we even try to find out what could be happening in the bigger companies?

I do not listen to Radio Mirchi anyways – not even if I am bored to death. May be now it is time to cancel the Idea subscription that my parents have.

Oh, and the money you made from the earlier Celebrate Pune event will be put to better use if your executives are given some classes in Corporate Social Responsibility. Think about it, that might actually be a better Idea.

W Reads my Blog!

Interesting news item this – Bush: US on verge of Energy Breakthrough. All he says is that would “startle” most Americans. Why, it startled me! The head honcho of the Oil Mafia is creating a whole new world! Where did he get this idea? Could it have been this post by yours truly?

One of the reasons W gives for reducing the use of Petroleum products is:

Some of these foreign suppliers have "unstable" governments that have fundamental differences with America, he said.

Compare that with yours truly:

Almost all of the Petrol/Diesel that we use is imported. This makes us invariably dependent on the countries whose policies are often hostile to our national integrity.

On non-conventional energy sources, W says:

Bush said he was impressed with the growing commercial uses of solar energy.

"Roof makers will one day be able to make a solar roof that protects you from the elements and at the same time, powers your house," Bush said. "The vision is this — that technology will become so efficient that you'll become a little power generator in your home, and if you don't use the energy you generate you'll be able to feed it back into the electricity grid."

Compare that with yours truly:

In the meantime, though, we should still propagate the usage of solar energy. Let every roof-top be of solar panels. What would that achieve?

1. Treat each building or house as a unit. The unit will install Solar Panels for energy creation. For example, even if the energy generated serves 20% (I am just making this number up, if it is more, even better) of energy needs of that unit, it will reduce the shortfall of energy.

Uncanny ha? May be he got the ideas after accidentally bumping into my blog while killing time in the Oval Office. May be he is as smart as I am! But what if, I am as dumb as he is?

Jokes aside – there has to be a serious attention towards the energy shortage and sustainability. One would hope the Energy Security policy that Dr. Manmohan Singh is busy formulating will go beyond the media-hype that W has created. But for once, we have something to be agreeable with the POTUS.

Shame on you Kaka

It has been a few days since the Shiv Sena attack on Zee Television for broadcasting the satire. And the controversy is behind us now, thanks to the mediation by the common friends. Although, I can’t help but comment on it. I happened to see the satire, barring a few disturbances from unscrupulous relatives calling during that time. But never mind that. Coming back to the satire, it left many thinking what was it that would agitate the Sainiks? And what was it that would make the Hindu Hriday Samrat appreciate the behavior of agitating Sainiks. The phrase “kaka malaa vachavaa” (uncle save me) has become a part of the language with a deep meaning to it.

For the benefit of those who are not aware of the history behind this phrase, the origin dates back to mid-to-late 1700s. Narayanrao was crowned the “Peshwa” much to the chagrin of his uncle. Uncle Raghobadada had his own aspirations and under the influence of his very aggressive wife Anadibai, Raghoba conspired to kill Narayanrao. Narayanrao had to run from his own body guards to save his life. He was eventually killed in an ambush, when he was running towards his uncle shouting “kaka malaa vachavaa” – a plea to his uncle to save his life. Raghoba was brought to justice and was given the capital punishment by the venerated Justice Ram Shashtri Prabhune (Later the sentence was reduced and Raghoba sent into exile.). The legend has it that Narayanrao’s ghost haunts the ruins of Shaniwar Wada even today and one can hear the cry of “kaka malaa vachavaa” echoing from the ruins.

Legends are legends – but since then, this phrase has represented betrayal and treachery. The satire was a representation of the condition of political scene we have today - betrayal and treachery. Is the Hindu Hriday Samrat not the uncle of the reneging Raj? Did he not favor his son over his nephew? Did the nephew not expect a fair treatment from his uncle? And didn’t the whole episode play out quite funnily when the aggression and taunting was at its height? What’s wrong if a little fun is made out of it? Is the Shiv Sena supremo so great that he be treated “holier than thou”?

And, as it has been pointed out ad infinitum, didn’t the Hindu Hriday Samrat start his career as a cartoonist and still claims that he is a cartoonist at heart? Has he not made fun of people in the past? Does he not still make derogatory and particularly insulting remarks about Narayan Rane, Sharad Pawar? But when the same or similar remarks are made about him, he and his followers are angry. If he had laughed with us all, people would have forgotten the satire…after all entertainment value of such satires are incidental and does not live long. But now, thanks to the agitations and Shiv Sena’s backing of it, this satire is going to live long enough to make sure more than deserved damage is made to the party.

And what is up with the Valentine’s Day violence? Our culture is not so weak that celebrating just one day a year after a long dead saint who tried to play cupid, will bring it down. And the funniest part of it was the apology by the Hindu Hriday Samrat because Sainiks hit the girls and women as well – which apparently is not okay. Excuse me? So, are we saying it is okay for the Sainiks to hit guys? Because last time I checked, our constitution did not discriminate on gender. If you are so trigger happy and like to hit someone, why be apologetic about it? What are you trying to do here by this apology? If you feel that somehow this apology will exonerate you of this crime, it will not. If you think, in a strange Orwellian sense, you are more equal than others…shame on you…

What would

Vice President Aaron Burr say to Vice President Dick Cheney?

Both the guys seem to have a many similarities in their personalities, but Cheney surely takes the cake in the modern days.

Three Frozen Moments

It was Sunday morning and I had stepped out to run some errands. There is this dark alley between the compound wall and club house that one has to go through while getting out. Well, it is really not a dark alley, but narrow it is for sure! Barely three feet wide – you have to say, “Excuse me” if you see someone approaching from the opposite side. I met someone who would perhaps not understand “excuse me” and that too in this narrow alley. It was a dog. Thanks to Maneka Gandhi’s anti-dog sterilization efforts, there are a lot many stray four legged friends than you would care for. Now, when I see a dog approaching, I try to ignore it and go my own way. Likewise, in this narrow alley, when I saw the dog approach, I stepped aside. Now, some of us are genetically programmed to yield to left, some to yield to right. Some of us have also reprogrammed ourselves to yield based on the country. So, I keep left, and yield so the dog would pass from the right. But the animal has other plans in mind. He (or it?) wants to have some fun. So the dog yields to HIS right, like someone from the other side of the Atlantic. We are in front of each other. So, I step to right, and try to move away from the dog’s path. The dog also steps aside – now to his left and is again in front of me! Well…I try to remember when I was potty trained last. Images of newspapers reporting, “Dog mauls man” start flashing in my mind. (Serious situations call for serious thinking.) So, I again step aside in the opposite direction and lo behold – the dog’s there. What is happening here? We seem to be performing waltz like the characters in Swan Lake…. I think the dog feels the scare in the eyes of a human. But surprisingly, it has adopted a submissive posture by now – stooping neck and lowered eyes. I am happy at least there is no snarl coming from him. But this time, I stand the ground. No more waltz with you dirty fella – I say to the dog. Taking a cue from my frozen figure, the dog steps aside and walks his way…whew!

Those three moments with a mongrel K9 seem like never ending bad dream. But my heart rate eventually returns to normal and I go about my business.

What is your clutter index?

I guess we need a new definition to gauge the progress and development of the society. It should depend on the amount of non-biodegradable waste we can generate in our day-to-day life. I would always be amazed by the by-products of grocery shopping in the US. A trip to Kroger’s or Jungle Jim’s would generate a lot of new plastic bags – in Midwest the baggers never asked paper or plastic – they just assumed plastic, unless you were buying wine or spirits! Then there were other items – the plastic can of milk and orange juice (sometimes a tetra pack) and the plastic bottles or cans of several carbonated beverages, yoghurt, the Styrofoam trays of meat and deli meat wrappers, the plastic wrappers of cookies, the cardboard containers of graham crackers and cereal and plastic bags of chips, Doritos, bagels etc. Add to that the flimsy plastic bags of green vegetables or fruit. After studying my erratic cooking patterns, I switched to using the frozen vegetables. The non-biodegradable index of garbage remained the same but the biodegradable surely reduced after the switch!

A trip to Food World recently reminded me of this garbage-business. Since parents are away, it is up to me to buy something, cook and feed myself. If you are my kind of shopper – no haggling, assume the quality is good, pay and get out of the shop – then probably Food World is the only place. So, off I go to Food World, armed with crisp notes from an ATM. I get the usual stuff and head home. Then the scrutiny starts – there are plastic bags of neatly wrapped tomatoes, some fresh cut ocra (lady fingers, bhindi) and fenugreek (?) (methi), a bag of onions, yoghurt can (dahi – mom’s not home, so need to buy yoghurt), two plastic bags containing fresh (but dead) Godrej chicken, a separate plastic bag for bread and some biscuits, cream biscuits (sandwich cookies) and light snack.

One trip to Food World and 213 less rupees in the pocket, I have amassed almost equivalent non-biodegradable waste I would after a trip to Kroger’s. I already start feeling guilty. Images of the flooded river Mithi haunt me.

The next week, I am a bit smarter and decide to buy the veggies in the conventional market. I know my father carries a cloth bag. I search for the bag at all conceivable places in home. I find the bag neatly folded along with several plastic bags in a kitchen cabinet. So, armed with the cloth bag, I go to the conventional market. I walk to the first shop, glance at a few veggies and start ordering – 250 gm Tomatoes, 500 gm onions, a bunch of spinach and 500 gm of peapods. After weighing everything, the vendoress pulled a plastic bag for all the veggies. I stopped her and handed over the cloth bag that was hidden in my pocket. With a couldn’t care less for it expression she took the bag and started putting the vegetables inside it. Now I feel all middle-aged eyes in the market on me: “Look, he did not even ask for the price!” “Oh my, that’s not 500 gm, and this guy – why is he shopping any way?” “Cloth bag? Cloth bag? – where did he come from?” But I brave it all, pay up and walk away self satisfied about my endeavor.

After a small trip to the Food World for other items, I return home. Enthusiastically I start cleaning the spinach and retrieving peas from the peapods. Soon, my garbage bag fills with all this biodegradable waste. But the joy is not long lasting. Other items have generated the equivalent amount of the non-biodegradable waste! Now, I face a predicament – here I am, shopping consciously and avoiding plastic bags, only to realize that the major component of it is still non-biodegradable! Seriously, what do I do with all those plastic bags now or after a few thousand years?!

Marathi Vyaparee (businessmen)

Maharashtrians like to ruminate – marathi loka dhandyaat mage kaa? (Why do we lack the business acumen? Or, why are we not great business men?) And mind you, this is Marathi mentality we are talking here. So we are not looking at building business empires directly, but may be sustaining a shop or making profits in a business run with help of 10-15 odd people. I think a large part of that is attitude. Don’t get me wrong – there are a few Marathi folks who are doing well in business, but overall, a Marathi man will prefer to work for someone else rather than take pains of working for himself. (The usage of male gender is for simplicity, do not want to go writing Marathi man or woman every where.) There is another facet to the attitude – how you treat your customer. As acclaimed writer PL Deshpande in his essay, on people from Mumbai, Pune and Nagpur points out, we consider the customer as the least important thing in the store.

So, what motivated this post? Well a difference in attitude by two different businessmen. At work, the quality of food is given utmost importance and any caterer is at risk of losing or termination of contract if people think they deserve better food. Now, it is a normal practice to not-like the cafeteria food. But there is really not-likeable and then there is okay-I-can’t-tolerate-this-food. And that’s what happened here and the old caterer was let go. After the new one came in, I started noticing the differences distinctly…

In the old style, the person who used to take money would stand there with a distinct expression that was something like – ale giLaayalaa! – A derogatory Marathi phrase that means these people do not deserve the food (and especially not at such low cost). The plates would be often times not dried, and it was left up to the eater to dry the plate….

Then there was the dilemma of empty containers that I never understood. Yes, when you keep a serving-bowl full of crunchy papads, people do take one or two extra. But this caterer had mastered the art of not letting people do that. Every time, there would be enough quantity in the serving bowl for only two people. So, I would always hesitate – if I take the papad, the next five people in the queue won’t have any…all right, skip the papad. It was later that I realized, if I had taken one piece, he would have added a couple more pieces from the other container that was deftly hidden from public view. But the ploy works – for those papad aficionados would satisfy themselves with not more than two pieces of papad otherwise risked making the serving bowl empty! Walha – we have saved some papads!

As you proceeded in the line, a person in caterer’s employ would serve the buffet items. He would serve enough to make it look enough, but not enough to satiate you by quantity. And since he would either start working on the next person in line or hide behind the counter, there was no way of asking for more.

By the time, you would have plate full of food, and walking towards a table, you would have the feeling of ale giLaayalaa all over again!

Also, even though vegetables are costly, doDhee-bhopaLaa (a vegetable in zucchini family, do not remember the English name) twice a week is not very appetizing for many (me included)! So isn’t the half-cooked rice and dal (split lentil curry) that would characteristically taste the same every day!

A couple of visits later to Yo! China and Veg Tadka restaurants, I took the easy way out! Now, my friend is on the food-committee, so pestering and whining has added advantage! At last, the caterer got the boot!

In came a Punjabi caterer the next day and we have been eating the food without complaints for more than past three weeks. Granted the honeymoon period is not over yet, but there are some differences to note. First of all, he shows the courtesy to treat his customers - well like customers! The person who takes your money has a God given gift of smiley face! Your first contact on the other side of the buffet does not make you feel guilty about eating! If by chance the plate is still dripping with water, he wipes it for you and mumbles an apology. The food items are much more tasty and choice of vegetables better. What I also liked is if the serving bowl is empty, it is because the food item is really over, not because the caterer is trying to save money. And the caterer feels genuinely bad about it – “aaj aap thoDa late aye sir” (we were almost winding down sir; it is tad late for you today) – he would say apologetically. And if you bump into the owner, he asks if everything is fine and if I have eaten properly giving it a motherly touch!

Now you tell me – which caterer would you prefer?

The Man Who Walked on MG Road

It was a lazy Saturday morning. My normal plans for weekend included running a few errands and then cozily watch some TV lying down on the sofa. I far from achieved anything that I planned, but the weekend was really good! While I was busy doing nothing, the phone rang. “Where are you? And why didn’t you call?” – demanded the voice from the other side of the line. There is a disadvantage to being the youngest among all cousins. They speak authoritatively and never treat you as if you were a grown up! I had forgotten that my cousin was going to come down. So, I changed all my plans (!) and went to visit her. After all the small-talk, big-talk and catching up, she mentioned her childhood friend is coming in the evening. Apparently, my cousin and this friend used to baby sit me in summer vacations when I was a toddler. But I couldn’t care less. After all, how much did it matter to me now?

Eventually the friend came in and we again sat for a casual chat - (re) introductions, exchanging pleasantries, small-talk, big-talk etc. After a while, the friend mentions: “ha kitee vegaLaa disato ataa!” (He looks so different now!) – pointing at me. My cousin agreed – “ho – amachya peksha ha sagaLyaat jasta badalalaa.” (yes, he is the one who changed so much.) My usual shrug, nod and smile technique did not work as the ladies persisted. This was the observation from a 45 something about a 30 something – in past 30 odd years she did not expect me to change?! And she was seeing me after so many years!

Cousin: We used to take you around for walks.
Friend: Yes, you were such a cute kid. (Oh my god – please, what did I do to deserve this assault? – I kept thinking.)

Both the ladies continued talking like lost in past. All of a sudden, my cousin turned around, looked me in the eyes and said, “That’s where you learned to walk! You started walking on MG Road!”

Now it was my time to be startled. I discovered a piece of my childhood that seemed surreal.